Oh Auntie,
I do worry about you. Such a gassy, long-winded response! All those passive-aggressive missives, mean-spirited digs, lofty self-delusions and misguided attempts at humor. Does it not exhaust you to try so very hard? Aren't you tired? Do you not find yourself leaning against the wall, sweaty, fat, heaving and wheezing?
I would like to think that a lady of your advanced age would have learned a bit more about social decorum and restraint. These things are especially important when we find ourselves wretchedly seething with jealousy and bitterness over the youth, glamour and slimness of others. It is unbecoming to lash out at better people in such an embarrassingly revealing manner.
Perhaps it is this very kind of wreckless. sloppy behaviour which has led to your exclusion from a certain social event in town this season??? Then again, perhaps it is the terrifyingly mad shrieking and screeching that consistently emanates from your little cottage that has spooked the locals? Or might it be the defiant new lady-gang you have recently formed -- with whom you traipse about town like a lewd and lascivious trio of sexual degenerates? Word does travel, my dear!
Whatever the case may be, I reach across the pond to you with love, Auntie, because I recognize the signs of your ongoing decline and I worry. But, wish as you might, you cannot live my gorgeous life, and I certainly want nothing to do with yours. And so, I send you these words of love instead of visiting, which would simply be too tedious for me.
Please, do remember who you are, and stop trying to be someone else. Just waddle back over to the couch with your bag(s) of crisps, lower your shocking physique onto it, lean back and enjoy the latest episode of "I'd Do Anything."
You like that, now, don't you? See? Isn't that nice?
Sssshhhhhhhh.
A
