Alice, Alice, Alice
how transparent you are my diminutive poppet.
For the last year or so Auntie has - admittedly when she has had nothing better to do - dropped various hints and nudges in Alice's direction to remind her that the Blog has been ignored. I have also gone so far as to (horror!) send you a direct communication (outside of this forum) by electronic-mail, I believe they call it.
All have been rudely, and predictably, ignored!
This time Auntie deployed a slightly different strategy and alluded to the fact that the wit and wisdom emanating from (one half of) the contributors to this collective correspondence was attracting "fans" or people who actually enjoyed consuming our vitriol. Low and behold she responds back in a matter of hours!
You are so hungry for adoration aren't you my dear unloved waif?
No fear, I shall continue to conjure up imaginary characters that enjoy your non-sequitor ramblings and might even post the odd "comment" pretending to be one of the six people who bought your last coffee table coaster... sorry, book.
As for your reflections on Auntie's geographic status and future plans, let's attempt to respond shall we?
In the short - but oh so fabulous - time you have known your big Lady role model, She has lived on many continents and dined in the finest establishments. It's what She does my dear. She doesn't "take root" as you do (but unfortunately your hair does not)
She is constantly in need of stimulation; bright lights; interesting people; and constantly evolving horizons. Of course every place that she graces with her sparkle and lavender dust is the better for it; and mediocre little people like you are left the better for knowing Her) but She simply cannot "stand still" my sweet.
We only have one life. Now we know Auntie has lived enough lives for an entire Gloucestershire estate, but that doesn't mean She is going to slow down any time soon.
Your tragic attempts to disparage her beloved Fabulous-fornia simply will not do. I know rejection hurts my dear, but as I said to you at every tea and cakes soiree we enjoyed two blocks from the ocean front all those years ago, some people are simply not "A List" enough.
When Auntie was enjoying back-stage access to the beautiful people, Alice was trudging around East LA with a Kodak instamatic. When Auntie was cascading along the PCH in her 1960 Oldsmobile Cutlass F85, Alice was pouring screen wash into her Nissan Sentra...
Different worlds my dear. You will never understand how thin the air (like your hair) is up here on Auntie's cloud. And for every one of your hollow attacks on the sacred land of Lavender-fornia, there are a multitude of positive people and delicious invites beckoning Her back.
I must get back to my busy day... I have a fabulous luncheon with some important entertainment people in the big city - and I have still to work the moulding clay into my ever vibrant bouffant
toodles my sweet....
Auntie
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Wednesday 20 October 2010
The Rumblings of Madness
Dearest Auntie,
It has been some time since we last communicated, and I must say it has been a lovely respite indeed. I am, however, pleased to see that you are finally realizing the vast potential of this endeavor, and I trust that you will, at the very least, attempt to regularly exercise those fat, sausage fingers of yours on the keyboard. Our audience demands it, as you so snottily pointed out in your last posting.
Now, at the very outset, I must address the rumblings of madness that have been emanating from your little corner of the Cotswolds. As an avid follower of your long-suffering companion's blog, I have learned that you have been posturing and squawking about a possible return to the God-forsaken, concrete shit-pit of Los Angeles. I'm quite sure that in your addled mind, you harbour false recollections and cliched fantasies about golden sunsets, balmy breezes and celebrity cocktail parties in the hills. Such foolery will NOT be tolerated.
The LA that you are imagining does not exist, it never did, and your whining and pining are most tiresome. No one needs to see Auntie sitting in a Hyundai on the 405, clad in some gaudy caftan, trying to suppress her road rage. It's an ugly picture and it's never going to happen, so just stop. You are exactly where you need to be. Or, to be more precise, you are exactly where I need you to be.
I will only ever visit you in England. And I wish to make it perfectly clear that you are expressly forbidden from EVER visiting me in New York. And please spare me the rants about how you don't want me to visit you and brighten up your dusty, grey, little life. Your desperation to reconnect is embarrassingly obvious.
So, drink in these words, Auntie, and revel in my gracious acknowlegment of your sad self.
Toodles!
Alice
It has been some time since we last communicated, and I must say it has been a lovely respite indeed. I am, however, pleased to see that you are finally realizing the vast potential of this endeavor, and I trust that you will, at the very least, attempt to regularly exercise those fat, sausage fingers of yours on the keyboard. Our audience demands it, as you so snottily pointed out in your last posting.
Now, at the very outset, I must address the rumblings of madness that have been emanating from your little corner of the Cotswolds. As an avid follower of your long-suffering companion's blog, I have learned that you have been posturing and squawking about a possible return to the God-forsaken, concrete shit-pit of Los Angeles. I'm quite sure that in your addled mind, you harbour false recollections and cliched fantasies about golden sunsets, balmy breezes and celebrity cocktail parties in the hills. Such foolery will NOT be tolerated.
The LA that you are imagining does not exist, it never did, and your whining and pining are most tiresome. No one needs to see Auntie sitting in a Hyundai on the 405, clad in some gaudy caftan, trying to suppress her road rage. It's an ugly picture and it's never going to happen, so just stop. You are exactly where you need to be. Or, to be more precise, you are exactly where I need you to be.
I will only ever visit you in England. And I wish to make it perfectly clear that you are expressly forbidden from EVER visiting me in New York. And please spare me the rants about how you don't want me to visit you and brighten up your dusty, grey, little life. Your desperation to reconnect is embarrassingly obvious.
So, drink in these words, Auntie, and revel in my gracious acknowlegment of your sad self.
Toodles!
Alice
Tuesday 19 October 2010
"There once was a time in this business when Alice had the eyes of the whole world!"
Alice,
you have neglected the blog for far too long, and it simply must stop!
Pretending you have a television career is really a sad excuse that has worn all too thin (like your hair)
Auntie's 'Pied Piper of Poshtershire' influence continues to ensnare more adoring followers... the latest of which is a funny little soul who drives fast cars (who I believe you met during your last alcoholic dry-out visit?)
Anyway, said sycophant commented on how fabulous our blog is/was (let's face it, all of the creativity flowed from Auntie)
We have adoring fans dear and we must respond... stop waiting for the phone to ring from that "agent" you thought you had...
The TV landscape has moved on and is looking for fresher (faced?) talent...
As Norma so eloquently put it "You *are* big Alice. It's the *TV* that got small."
Come back to Auntie's supportive, tanned and very toned arms
xxxx
Twisted
you have neglected the blog for far too long, and it simply must stop!
Pretending you have a television career is really a sad excuse that has worn all too thin (like your hair)
Auntie's 'Pied Piper of Poshtershire' influence continues to ensnare more adoring followers... the latest of which is a funny little soul who drives fast cars (who I believe you met during your last alcoholic dry-out visit?)
Anyway, said sycophant commented on how fabulous our blog is/was (let's face it, all of the creativity flowed from Auntie)
We have adoring fans dear and we must respond... stop waiting for the phone to ring from that "agent" you thought you had...
The TV landscape has moved on and is looking for fresher (faced?) talent...
As Norma so eloquently put it "You *are* big Alice. It's the *TV* that got small."
Come back to Auntie's supportive, tanned and very toned arms
xxxx
Twisted
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