Are you there, or are you dead?

For God's sake, old woman, turn off the Eastenders marathon and waddle over to the computer! Surely those fat sausage fingers of your could use a little exercise! Bear in mind that if you have, in fact, expired, I would understand this stubborn silence. But my psychic senses are still picking up on the vibrations of an aging, wheezing presence devouring Chinese takeaway on a ghastly, plaid couch. Would that be you, Auntie? Speak!